July, 2014 – Whilst helping ebola patients in Monrovia, two American doctors, one of which is from Texas, are infected with the deadly strain. People shit themselves wondering why the doctors are being sent to the United States.
August, 2014 – The CDC administers an experimental drug known as ZMAPP, with successful results. Black Twitter posits why a disease that’s been killing Africans since 1976 went without any attempt at a cure, but once two white people contract ebola, all the sudden we’ve got a way to fix this shit. NOTE: The ZMAPP compound is grown in a special kind of tobacco plant, which means the fucker has to grow to fruition before they can extract the serum. If only there was some OTHER special plant that could house the same compound. Maybe one that grows so fast it was given a colloquialism known as ‘weed?’ But I digress. Black Twitter knows fuck all about anything. These idiots actually think being able to spit out hip-hop lyrics somehow makes you ‘real.’ But they are correct; Iggy Azalea sucks HARD.
September, 2014 – A lying cocksucker bullshits his way from Ebola-stricken Liberia to the United(?) States, then all the sudden QUELLE FUCKING SURPRISE he has the virus. People start to get pissed. Assholes start posting smarmy bullshit about how if you’ve never touched a person’s spit, shit, or vomit, then you won’t get Ebola. Bitchassed trolls start overusing the Obama “I’m just here to see who thinks this is my fault” meme. The rational folk who actually wonder why we haven’t laid down serious regulation on people coming into the States from the four Ebola hot zones are ridiculed incessantly. We are assured by Dallas officials and CDC talking heads that everything is under control.
October, 2014 – Lying cocksucker dies. 4 days later one of the 70+ healthcare workers who wiped this POS’s ass for him ends up contracting the disease. CDC chief Dr. Thomas Frieden says there was a ‘clear breach of protocol.’ When lambasted for trying to scapegoat and then asked where the specific breach of protocol occurred, Frieden admits he doesn’t know. People furrow their brows, because what the holy fuck is a VAGUE breach of protocol?!?! 3 days later, another healthcare worker contracts the deadly strain. Dallas Mayor Mike Rawlings soundbytes (probably with an erection,) “This may get worse…before it gets better.” He walks away from podium without getting his stupid ass kicked, for some reason. 3 DAYS LATER 2 more healthcare providers and a one guy who works in the hospital but wasn’t anywhere near the first three patients contract the disease. Dallas County Judge Clay Jenkins says to reporters, “We have a rough patch ahead of us. But we should still not pan-“ He passes out from all the fucking spin. 4 DAYS LATER 8 more people contract the disease, 4 of which live in the Vickery Meadows apartment complex where the first patient was staying. Our Man About Town John Wiley Price says the ebola strain is clearly biased against black people, and wants to call it the next Black Plague. He would have ranted further, but someone just threw a shitty adult diaper they found behind Presbyterian Hospital at him. He dies immediately. Thousands dance on the streets.
November, 2014 – Despite constant reassurances that Dallas is not the third-world shithole that Liberia is, 498 people have now contracted the virus. “Let’s not put the cart before the horse here,” says Mayor Rawlings. He then dodges a diaper. DISD Superintendent Mike Myles fires more custodial supervisors for taking their time cleaning the schools and buying hazmat suits with money that could be better spent on the constant rehiring processes for Dade Middle School. The ghost of John Wiley Price calls a press conference to bitch about the inequal way the Devil shoves cacti up his dickhole, compared to the white folk who only get rainsticks shoved up theirs.
December, 2014 – Black Friday was a TERRIBLE idea. The four remaining survivors in Dallas complain that their rights are being violated by the militarized quarantine surrounding the city. President Obama agrees, and turns it into an Amnesty city for thousands of Liberian and Monrovian refugees. Oh, and South Americans, too. No one notices a difference.
THIS is how stupid it’s gotten. The next time someone pretends like they know what’s up, remind them they don’t know shit. And for God’s sake, STOP listening to the politicians! They put you in this mess, don’t rely on them to get you out. Bitch. Complain. Threaten their very fucking lives until they shut the fuck up and do the right thing.