Monthly Archives: April 2015

What You’re NOT Seeing

By now (unless you frequent CNN) you may have noticed some pretty extensive footage of the Baltimore Riots.

What you may NOT have seen, however, is there are good people trying to quell the situation.


Making Change


Happy Mondays, kids! Okay, let’s talk about something you need to start getting used to: 2015 is still in its relative nascence, and people are finally feeling like the world has become forced to accept them for who they truly are. So it shouldn’t be such big fucking news that Bruce Jenner has revealed he wants to be -or, if you’re so accepting (but fuck you, you probably aren’t)- a woman. First off, he was in the Village People movie back in the day. Of course, so was Steve Guttenberg, but that’s probably something in the wings. Even still, really? Clutching our pearls a bit much, folks?

I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: ol’ Fatters has a friend who has finally decided to let people know he has started testosterone treatments in order to become more physically like the man he was supposed to always be. And did I have trouble grasping this knowledge? Nah, not really. Because I know that one has to go through a year of psychological evaluation before they get a sign-off on a sex change. That tends to tell me that this person isn’t some Munchausen-addled opportunistic sicko; they honestly have the right mind when they believe they should alter their body to reflect their gender. But truth be told, I didn’t even need scientific data to assist me in my acceptance of their role; as a friend, I want him to be happy and comfortable, and am therefore glad to be a part of his support system.

That’s not to say I’m not at all clumsy about certain adjustments, though. I knew him as a female at one point, so I know I’m not quite 100% on utilizing the right pronouns. And honestly I’ve seen him post some shit on Facebook grumbling about how the chef at his new job has trouble differentiating pronouns that annoyed me a bit. And honestly I know it’s frustrating, but I also understand where the other guy is coming from. It’s something pretty new for some of us. I mean HELL, in this case it’s pretty much new for everyone! But unless they’re just being stubborn assholes about it, I would ask anyone undergoing the transgender process to give the good folks a little grain of salt on the big transitions. Otherwise don’t find yourself surprised when the intolerant ones show up to cause trouble, and your support structure has weakened considerably due to you ostracizing everyone.

tl;dr you wanna be a man? First you have to stop being a cunt.

Anyway, SO FUCKING WHAT if Bruce has finally decided to take the first step in being comfortable in his own skin. Good for him! And I guess normally I would say the media coverage might be a positive for transgenders everywhere. But this shit is just the media treating him like a freak show, and there’s nothing cool about that.

Just a bit of advice to ol’ Brucie (btw, I understand the tabloids have been saying he calls himself Belinda, and that’s simply not true; trans people often take their time in deciding the new name to go with their identity, and sometimes they don’t even bother with that.) I would suggest you bleach or darken your hair, lest you continue this path of looking like a certain sea hag from hell.

Not worth it, man...

Not worth it, man…

Could U Not?


Psst, hey buddy. Yeah, you. I can’t help but notice you’re driving especially like shit today. And when I pulled up beside you at the light, I also couldn’t help but notice that you’ve slightly creaked your neck down as if you’re trying to hide the fact that you’re texting on that smartphone just barely out of view, but you’re too stupid to realize that makes it even more obvious. How do I know this? Well, that has a lot to do with the fact that most drivers tend to stare at the the shit happening outside the WINDSHIELD.

But to be perfectly honest, I didn’t really need to pull up beside you to know exactly what you’re doing. The reason for this is because YOU, like just about every other irresponsible dumbass guilty of the same bullshit, do three things that only someone so self-mired in ignorance would do. And let’s just list those offenses out, shall we? I only do this because I want you to realize one of you sorry fucks are going to end up killing someone one day, and therefore require unnecessary legislation ramping up the penalties for even just taking a quick glance at a notification popping up. If it weren’t for the fact that we have to share ALL roads, I honestly wouldn’t even give a shit. If there were a road where you harbingers of Darwinism could ride freely and text to your colon’s content, far away from the rest of us, then I say bring on Thunder Pileup Road! But since that’s not practical, how about I instead pretend you have some degree of sensibility enough to realize once I point out your three fatal errors, you’ll stop texting and driving. Because seriously, you’re not being subtle at all.

1. Well, there’s the weaving, of course.
Not that I do this at all anymore, but back in college I may have made some rather bad choices regarding drinking excessively, then getting into my truck and heading home. And now that I’m a father, I abjectly refuse to do such a thing. But even at my worst I never drove as shitty as a person who is texting behind the wheel. Michael J. Fox could have twenty vodka-soaked tampons up his ass in a car full of hornets, and STILL drive better than this pathetic attempt at impossible multitasking you’re desperately failing at. Walter White, Jr would have to steer from the back seat of a Ford Ltd with his crutches after drinking a bottle of everclear-refined cannabis/PCP/Deprivan oil in order to reach a fraction of the shittiness with which you drive. But hey, maybe the problem here is you’re putting too much subterfuge in this by maintaining the same pace as other cars on the road, right? Which leads us to the next indication that you’re currently texting-and-driving:

2. Hey dicktits, you’re driving slower than everyone else on the road, and you’re NOT in your late 60’s.
My father-in-law, in his last days, still insisted on driving himself around in his own car. The problem was, as he openly admitted, he was so nervous and paranoid about his limitations that he would drive infinitely slower than everyone else. And that’s pretty much the mindset of every blue-haired granny barely peeking over the dashboard of her Buick. But does it stop them, despite the fact that impeding the flow of traffic is as against the law as speeding? Unfortunately, no. We have to wait until they couple their slow-as-fuck driving with the eventual loss of motor control needed to unwittingly slam into the side of a squad car. But my God, just think if they could just put being old and decrepit in their fucking pocket for twenty minutes until they reach Point B. Wouldn’t that be awesome?

And that brings us to YOU. You’re no septuagenarian former executive of a rental car company with stints in your heart. You’re a black dude in your mid-twenties driving a VW Jetta on the North Dallas Tollway and making what I can only assume is LITERALLY a booty call (or text, whatever.) Couldn’t you wait until you reach wherever you’re headed? Or at least until you hit a stoplight? Actually, that still won’t hide the fact that you’re texting and driving, because most of you dipshits tend to do this last obvious indication of your terrible (and DANGEROUS) habit:

3. At long last, I’ve solved the ‘Invisible Car’ quandary.
I’ve mentioned this myriad times in my countless bitchfests regarding people and their horrible driving skills. And honestly at the time I just thought these people had some sort of depth perception issue (which is scary enough to think about whilst sharing the road, let me tell you.) But over the past few months my inquisitive side got the better of me, and I started paying attention to these people who stop at lights, leaving one or two car spaces between them and the person in front of them. And ALL of them were guilty of the same damn thing: being so fucking impatient about wanting to respond to someone’s text or Facebook post that they stop too early, oblivious to the fact that it’s clear to everyone they are not driving with any intent to show people they are actually worthy of obtaining a license.

So here’s the deal, stupids: we can’t fix that part of your brain that says NO, you actually AREN’T capable of texting and driving safely. You just can’t repair such fucked-up thought passages. What’s weird is it’s not brain damage, and it’s not special needs, either; it’s just that you’re FUCKING STUPID. How else do you explain someone driving on a road filled with strangers and expecting them to do all your defensive driving for you? Smart people wouldn’t do that, trust me. So, since there’s no getting around your mental limitations, and the whole of the US would collectively shit their bratty, spoiled pants at the notion of making it harder to obtain and keep a license, how about we try explaining someone that DOES make sense to someone like you:

If a regular dude like me can spot these three errors you idiots make on a consistent basis, then a cop DEFINITELY can.

Oh, and PLEASE resist arrest once they do, okay?