Monthly Archives: February 2015

The Top 5 People Who Are Long Overdue For An Asswhooping

scumbag

You most likely recognize the meme above as that of Scumbag Steve, used by people who do stupid, dickheaded stuff, and then pretend it was their buddy or ex to see if others on reddit lose their shit. I’ve seen this used for some pretty damn lowdown stuff, from starting a Superbowl pool at $10 a square, only to tell the winner, “Sorry, bro. Rent’s due this week,” to drinking all your Guinness and thinking a six-pack of fucking PBR is a decent payback. So it got me thinking about all the people on this planet who constantly pull a Scumbag Steve, and I realize this world has become INUNDATED with folks who missed a very important asskicking in their youth. At some point in their nascence, they said or did some really fucked-up thing, and instead of knocking them the fuck out as is expected, the people around them simply shrugged their pussies and moved on. So now these ridiculous fucks seem to think it’s perfectly okay to say or do whatever the hell they want. And I’ve compiled a list for you, Dear Reader, of the worst offenders.

Flying_Spaghetti_Monster
5. ATHEISTS
First off, I have absolutely no problem with people who don’t believe in God. This is the conclusion you’ve drawn, and while I fear for your mortal soul I also understand. At some point in our lives we have to stop and ask if the concept of a higher being makes any sense. And from a localized standpoint, it actually doesn’t. I’ve never heard God or Jesus speak to me, and if I did, I’d probably want some tests run before I go tell it on the mountain. But from a universal concept, it’s not hard to believe its design and very creation is divine and intelligent. I mean, how the hell can there be nothing, and then all the sudden BANG! Something. That doesn’t make sense from any physics or common sense standpoint.

But I’m not here to preach…much.

But aside from that, it’s okay for you to have cemented yourself in disbelief. The PROBLEM is a lot of atheists are fundamentally religious about their lack of belief, and it’s pretty fucking annoying. Seriously, what good does it do to anyone to mock people about believing in God? They act like they’re on some higher plane of enlightenment, and their sole purpose from here on out is to make fun of Christians until eventually all of them are phased out. I assume once that happens, then they’ll work up the balls to starting picking on those who believe in Allah. Condemn your heretic soul to Hell all you want, ya goddamn heathens, but try not to be dickheads about it, okay? You telling me ‘my God is a joke’ isn’t constructive criticism; it’s you picking a fucking fight. And I’m just froggy enough to accommodate you.

dazed02_clint
4. THAT GUY WHO GOES TO PARTIES JUST TO GET INTO A FIGHT
We’ve all seen this asshole back in high school. Where I grew up was a very rural part of East Texas, and there was at least one field party going on every weekend. It was a great way to unwind and regale amongst good friends. No one should have to worry about a damn thing, save maybe the cops eventually showing up if it gets too loud. But inevitably that ONE GUY would show up with his buddy who’s way too old to be hanging out with teenagers, and it seems like he’d scan the crowd, itching to find some unfortunate soul who accidentally catches his eye. And then it’s on. The worst part is he was kind of a little bitch about how he’d go about it, too. He’d walk up to the guy, ask him why he was looking at him, and then tell him to watch his ass. Then, when the guy’s not looking, the little bitchassed motherfucker coldcocks him and runs away to his car. Seriously, why did we not p-roll this sorry fuck back in the day?

ALL THE WAY IN, BITCH!

ALL THE WAY IN, BITCH!


3. PEOPLE WHO STOP AT ENTRYWAYS
HOLY FUCK, this annoys me. And it happens like WAY too often. The other day I was headed to Kroger for my weekly beer and pickle re-up. The car in front of me pulls into the parking lot, and I follow suit, only to stop short because the dumb bitch in front of me hit the brakes for no good reason other than she had to adjust her fucking head or something in order to assess what she wanted to do next. Then I’m walking behind someone to get into the store entrance, only to ONCE AGAIN have to stop because as soon as they get in the doorway they’re suddenly encumbered by the harrowing decision of whether to turn left or right. Mark my words: one of these days I’m going to go to jail because I’m destined to kick these LITERAL wastes of space square in the ass. And I’m sorry, but these culprits have one common denominator: they are usually old ladies. The other common factor is they’re all fucking dipshits, and I’m never afraid of reminding them of that as I angrily push past them. You’d think 60+ years of life would make it glaringly obvious you’re not the only person on this planet. Look behind you sometime, old bitches. Because the next time I go into Kroger I’m pretending to stare at my phone, and if I run into you because you did this stupid shit, I’ll feign an apology, adding, “it never occurred to me that someone would be so infinitely stupid as to stop RIGHT AT THE FUCKING DOORWAY.” You wanna know why people get trampled on Black Friday? Well sure, it’s because people are assholes, but I’d be willing to bet this scenario has a lot to do with it as well.

Yeah, that makes sense...

Yeah, that makes sense…


2. SUPREMACISTS
I fucking HATE these guys, with their white outfits, their haughty elitist attitudes, and their inability to fill a fucking prescription in an acceptable amount of time. Oh, wait. Those are PHARMACISTS. Yeah, hate those guys, too.

Actually, I’m using this term because I think it has just the right visceral, acerbic quality needed to describe its offenders. Now, in a non-critical thinking, unindoctrinated and pragmatic world like the one I wish we lived in, one would easily be able to come up with a universal word for someone who treats others badly because of their gender or skin color. But in this fucked up, twisted, batshit world we ACTUALLY live in, as a white heterosexual male I cannot accuse anyone but my own ilk of racism or sexism. Why? Because according to liberal shitheaded ideas like Critical Race Theory, black people cannot be racist because they are not the oppressors in society. The formula goes as such:

RACISM = MONEY + WHITE SKIN + POWER

And actually most of the time money and power have nothing to do with it.

And as an imperial shitlord, I cannot cry sexism against a woman who automatically accuses me of being a rapist simply because of the way I was born.

And let’s face it: calling someone a bigot or prejudiced just doesn’t have that certain zing behind it.

So yeah, they’re SUPREMACISTS. The only difference between them and white supremacists is the direction they’re facing. But the intent is very much the same.

Hello, fuckface.

Hello, fuckface.


1. ME
Yeah, let the self-effacing commence. But seriously, this blog needs an enema. I first got into writing articles online for one reason and one reason only: to be funny as hell. And nowadays it seems all I ever do is bitch and moan about all the crap that goes on in this God-forsaken mudball. I mean, Christ, can’t I ever just get back to making fun of retards and fat people? That shit was HILARIOUS! But NOOOOO, I have friends who have children who are ‘special needs’ or ‘autistic,’ and out of sheer empathy toward them combined with me now being a father I can’t find it in my heart to make fun of them anymore. Also there’s this one girl who I’ve wanted to nestle my dick betwixt her ample bosom for some time now, but she’s one of those ‘fuck your beauty standards’ overweight gals who blog incessantly about anti-thigh gap/anti-dudebro stuff. So, despite the fact that this exchange between my nutsweat and her cleavage will likely NEVER happen, I keep the fat jokes potted down around here as well. And can’t I go through a tirade ONCE without using profanity or all caps? Surely I’m talented enough to elaborate and imply inflection without these tools, right? Eh, anyway this whole thing may have been explained as a way for me to become Internet famous once again (sorta,) but in reality it’s just me fellating my own ego.

So there ya have it, kids. Get your boots strapped, and get to kicking. Never too late to let these assholes have what’s coming to them.

Fatter Days Monday: Froo Froo Beer Edition

fd021615

Happy Mondays, kids! You know, I used to be likeminded with that fat guy in the strip above (who is unrelated to anyone on the 517 underground forums, by the way; RIP, goddammit.) No fruit in beer EVER was somehow my motto for a long time there, which included a staunch opposition to even adding lime to a Corona (although most of that was because the lime addition makes me drink them twice as fast, which was already fast enough.) But then I was the fortunate recipient of a beer called Blood and Honey from the Revolver Brewery in Granbury, TX. And it not only opened my tastebuds to the possibility that unfiltered wheat ales aren’t so bad, but also the infusion of blood orange and local honey won’t somehow emasculate me. And the reason it won’t emasculate me? Because I no longer give a fuck what people see me drinking, which is just about as fucking MANLY as a guy can get.

Also, Shiner Ruby Redbird is crisp and delicious, which is everything I look for in a breakfast beer.

Anyway, I’m heading to the Revolver Brewery this Saturday for the ‘tour.’ Please distract the authorities.