Monthly Archives: May 2014

Procrastinating Bad


Hiya kids! Yep, after a couple weeks hiatus yer ol’ pal Fatters is back to writing regular-like on this glorious site. I’d like to make excuses for my absence here: system maintenance issues, writer’s block (if that even exists,) general malaise, etc. Alas, none of those are viable excuses. No, the REAL reason I’ve been derelict in my writing duties is for one reason, and one reason only: I’m an asshole.

An asshole who has recently been turned on to Breaking Bad.

“You’re about 7 fucking years later there, slick,” you might have just thought after reading that last sentence, and you would be correct. But in my defense, as with many others like myself, the idea of Malcolm’s dad selling meth just didn’t sound like something that would be appealing on any level. And by the time I’d decided the buzz was just too real, a few seasons had gone by and I felt I’d missed my window. So a couple weeks ago AMC started showing the first couple episodes On Demand, and since the kiddo was napping I figured what the hell. Well, depending on your views and experience, that may or may not have been a bad idea. In my opinion, though, it was an enjoyable gift.

I don’t want to get into the details about this story, as I don’t want to spoil it for anyone still not in the know about the greatest fucking show EVER made. But really, even if I were to tell you any synopsis, detailed or not, it wouldn’t really spoil the experience. There are some genuine nuances involved in the writing and acting on this show that make it utterly indescribable. You literally have to watch it to get the whole story. And you’ll be glad you did, I assure you.

Plus the two main characters are introduced onscreen in their underwear, which is how I tend to prefer my televised entertainment.

Your Monday Morning Site Brief

Even in Newton form?  Jesus CHRIST, you're a picky one!

Even in Newton form? Jesus CHRIST, you’re a picky one!

Happy Mondays, kids! Just wanted to give you a heads up on my planned activities for the next five weeks. My wife has returned from maternity leave in order to resume her duties of babysitting a bunch of shitty little miscreants who receive guidance at home from what I can only assume are Somali pirates, under the false pretense of ‘teaching.’ So until the school year ends, I’ll be staying at home on Tuesdays and Thursdays to watch my baby daughter. Hopefully this time will also be spent updating this website more frequently (but likely I’ll just catch up on Game of Thrones or some shit.) In the meantime, every other Wednesday I’m contributing a column over at Dumb White Husband known as The Grind, where I ramble on incessantly about coffee like I’m some sort of fucking know-it-all on the subject. If you’re not careful, you just might learn something!

But probably not.

Anyhoot, speaking of my sweet little female progeny, I took a photo of her about to throw a fit because Daddy was just standing there taking photos instead of picking her up, and managed to snap one that looked almost like she was smiling. She also happened to look one helluva lot like Patton Oswalt. It was then that I came up with a great idea: why not create a website that users can submit photos of babies who look like Patton Oswalt? I mean, shit, just about EVERY FUCKING BABY on the planet looks like the portly little fucker (awesome comedian and brilliant writer, by the by,) so the content would practically be endless! Then I found a Tumblr site that had already beaten me to the punch, goddammit. But not one to sulk for long, I figured ‘what the hey’ and submitted the photo of my daughter.

I swear, this is like my idea to start a website where I remove celebrities’ eyebrows all over again. Whoa, wait a minute, what if I started a site where I put chola eyebrows on celebs? Surely that hasn’t been done, right?