Monthly Archives: April 2014

Parking In Reverse? GET FUCKED.

Just another great reason to abhor humanity!

Just another great reason to abhor humanity!

Hiya, kids! Ol’ Fatters has been derelict in his blogging duties once again. But in my defense, it was because I didn’t have anything interesting to write about. “What about that racist Clippers owner?” you might be asking? Well shit, that story has been effectively exsanguinated, if you ask me. Granted, it took some of my black friends to lend me the perspective that Sterling might have just been pissed that his girlfriend was bringing her big, black side-dick to games to sit alongside him, and that might have been where he drew the line. But the careless delegitimization toward black people in general was ALL HIM. And the NBA set forth a few guidelines before allowing anyone ownership of a team in its franchise, and one very big one was ‘don’t do shit that makes the league look bad.’ And boy, did he fucking hit the nail on the head with that one! Sure, it’s not like he tried to stab someone in the locker rooms, but we old white men are put to a higher standard, I guess.

Anyway, I was puttering on in to work this morning when an all-too-often occurrence was commencing: some fuckhead decides to park in reverse, fucks up, and then spends way too goddamn long trying to straighten himself out at the expense of others who were pulling in to park correctly. You see, we as a people worry way too much about inconsequential shit like race and sexual identity, when there are FUCKING SORRY PIECES OF ASSHOLE LIKE MR. SHITTY BAY PARKER who are far more deserving of our enmity. People don’t deserve to be scorned for their skin tone or desire to love someone with the same plumbing as them. They deserve to be scorned for their learned, inconsiderate behavior. And when people like Shitty Bay Parker (heretofore known as SBP) are a dime a dozen, it’s glaringly obvious that some of us make too damn much of an effort to hate others in a needless manner.

I have a friend Eric who can actually park in reverse as well as if he were parking normally. It’s impressive seeing him pull his giant fucking truck into a tight spot in a scant few seconds, to be honest. But he is a four-leaf clover in a field of regular three-leafs who have no business even attempting such a thing. And here’s the biggest kicker of it all, the thing that astounds me the most: these are not people parking at a grocery store or baseball game who I’ll never run into ever again (one can hope.) No, these are my work colleagues. The very people one would expect to try and be civil and respectful to each other. And I’m sorry, but there is NOTHING civil or respectful about wasting people’s time by unsuccessfully practicing something you clearly suck at. HARD.

And to top it all off? SBP actually had the audacity to wish me a good morning at the door. Now, I probably don’t have to tell you I have trouble letting things go. So imagine the look of confusion on this dipshit’s face when I replied, “Yeah, I bet it would have been a good morning if I didn’t have to sit and wait for some MORON to figure out how to park in reverse.” You EARN respect, kids. It’s the easiest thing in the world to receive, and even easier to lose. But all you have to do is mind your surroundings and stop pretending like you’re the only motherfucker in the lot, and it’ll be there for you until the end.

Of course, it also helps not to be a dumbass.

NOPE

NONONONONONO

NONONONONONO

When my son was around 2 years of age he started telling us he didn’t want to sleep in his bedroom anymore. When asked why, he simply said, “Mermaids.” Now, seeing as how his mother and I were by then able to take a single-word sentence from a toddler and get a broader idea of its intent, we ascertained that he had a bad dream involving mermaids and was having trouble distinguishing reality from the little movie that played in his head one night. Of course, his mother went the very typical route by telling him, “Sweetie, there are no mermaids in your bedroom. Daddy, go in there and show him.”

“Uhhh, NO,” I replied, “There’s no way I’m going in that room. I do NOT want to know what a scary mermaid looks like.”

"Yeah, on second thought, let's make that a HELL NO."

“Yeah, on second thought, let’s make that a HELL NO.”

Needless to say, the kid got his imagination pretty honest.