Happy…Wednesday? Shit. Sorry about the lack of posts the past few days, kids. Ol’ Fatters has a day job, and supposedly is surrounded by professionals at his place of employ. Of course, that supposition is questioned around times like these, where a holiday break falls in right around the same time the cutoff dates occur to receive cash in for the rest of the year. So they scramble like spastic headless chickens to get everything billed and out the door in order to make the big picture look like they haven’t been fucking around this whole time. And despite this time-“honored” practice, there will be those who will still try and push the envelope. “Oh, the cutoff time is 4PM, you say? Oh well, I’m sure it won’t matter if I send a billing request in at 4-fucking-O-one.” I hope each of you choke on a goddamn turkey dick this Thanksgiving, you useless fucks.
Speaking of those I hope choke on a dick during a festive occasion, what’s up with major retailers trying to be open on Thanksgiving? Take Walmart, for a great example. They grossly underpay their associates, many of whom have to apply for government subsidies in order to survive the daily grind. At the very least, you’d think they could let their employees have half a day off in order to sit amongst their family and pretend they’re thankful for the shit hand life gave them before they risk getting trampled by shameless assholes trying to save a few bucks, right? But nooooo. Instead they’re going to piss on their parade further by making them have to work throughout the day as well. You know, I used to brush off the idea of raising the minimum wage, since I figured most people who opt to work in cheap retail deserve the low pay and lack of education their lazy asses brought upon themselves. Granted, I’m open-minded enough to know for a fact that that is absolutely not the case for a lot of these guys (maybe one or two special needs folks ever dreamed of donning a blue smock every day for the rest of their god-awful lives.) But now, since places like Walmart can’t accept the sufficient positive cash flow that Black Friday imbues on their balance sheets as enough, I say FUCK THEM. Give them ALL raises, Congress! Big fucking ones!
In the meantime, I can take solace in the notion that these guys will be clocking in tomorrow for a relatively innocuous day free from actual customers. Because SURELY no one is enough of a fucking douche-assed loser to go in and patronize the establishment, right? I mean, far be it from me to encourage people, after a day replete with turkey and football, to not visit the local bars and movie theaters and catch up, instead opting for waiting in the parking lot with Super Soakers filled with deer urine. No, there’s no way I would consider spraying people exiting Walmarts across this fair country with a musky ‘fuck you’ right in their stupid, piss-covered faces. Nope, not me!
Use human piss. It’s free.